about 'hugs' across the atlantic

so i just posted a very depressing post not two hours ago...and before going off to shower, i decided to check my facebook and I ended up chatting with one of my very best friend (probably my one very best). Anyway, we had something of a random conversation but I realized just how very good it was to talk to a friend. normally. You see, I have children around me all day and I now know the vitality of a good adult connection. talking to kishijja was like being hugged...it was healing so to speak.
now this post is about the things you need to survive life- things I now know after my short blundering life.
-good solid secure friendships- friendships you can count on AT ALL TIMES! These will be good for when you feel low, and when you're mad and need to distress. They better be people who are a lot like you, in the most vital wats becuase then, you will not have to explain to be clearly understood and they will be more comfortable. keep them honest.
-cheap thrills. These will be your best friends on early mornings, cold nights, dull afternoons, on your way to lab or in the midst of a crowd of acquaintances.
-Unwinding activities. Life gets too overwhelming sometimes or too fast. Go catch a movie that has just come out or treat yourself to a night out with your favorite crazy crew. Retail therapy works wonders for us girls. buy sexy colorful underwear and a new scent; it will make you wake up real early in the morning racing happily to the shower, believe me, i know!
-feed your spirit. There is a lot to be said for a morning mass on a random day during the week; or quiet evening prayer. If you don't believe in the divinity, find a way to feed the soul- poetry, a stroll through the woods, just sit outside (summer thing) and not think for like half an hour. Or just read blogs :)
-food. I usually binge eat doughnuts or whatever else sweet thing i can get my hands on, and the sugar high works wonders for me. (Oh! i miss dunkin donuts!)

It is a short list but you gotta live day by day....so you'll never realize how very few things keep you grounded.

to caca: for still keeping me grounded, despite the distance. you are my favorite de-stress pill.
and to princess, consta, anna, barbara, sarah, esther, manu, and all my other friends for letting me be so selfish this semester and loving me anyway. Don't throw me out yet- I am coming back to you!!

the things that used to make me happy

colorful/sexy underwear
starry nights
all long phone calls
all texts
im
babies, adorable or not
a glass of cold milk
sleep
home
facebooking
long email
hot men
warm vanilla scent

these used to be my cheap thrills...they made me look forward to tomorrow, when I would have a random conversation with a hot man who has no idea I am glowing not just because i think he is a glory to look at but also becuase i am thinking about the bright yellow panty that was so exciting to wear in the morning after my long shower in warm vanilla gel. i wanted life to keep going and going becuase even if tomorrow mostly held the same things, it held things that made me smile and giggle.
oh where did all that go off to!? now, i am home, still waking up early for my long email read but that is the only thrill really...and i just keep thinking how this is it. this should be the end of the road! Like really, what is supposed to happen tomorrow!? I know this sounds like a suicidal post but not to worry, i am too much of a coward to kill myself... but right now, just know that if i died now, i would be at peace with death. i would be happy to die.

so i intended to tell you about my travels to the soul side of the atlantic, but although I remember it, somehow I can't seem to master the concentration to give them a life of their own-an immortal one. From the cab driver who gave me an orange on my way out to the outlets that refused to charge keith when all i wanted to do was call an awesome friend and apologise for being such an ass to the much needed nap (everyone knew I had just come back from partying or something because i still had the orange wristband and I looked done in!) to the long planes (i had forgotten about those since within the states, the business class stops on like row 3/4 and coach on like 19) to the movies and the sleeping to escape my thoughts and to shorten the journey; to the waitress who told me there was no chicken as if i had asked! and to the waiter I told very distressedly, 'I am soo hungry' having missed most of my meals to the airport in johannesburg where I realized that electric outlets vary with american and european, and that I am so american at a glance, my own people welcomed me to Uganda (not welcomed BACK!)...want to know what it takes to look american? well, look comfortable! i had my wild hair, hoodie, and socks and my shoes in my hands....; to the electricity going off TWICE in the space of 30 minutes when i was at Entebbe airport (my country, unlike its people welcomed me back)

AARGH!

oh you make me soo mad!

you make it so easy for me to feel so negative,

you don't even realize it

it depresses me that so much can go unnoticed

you wonder why I just shut up sometimes?

well, here it is: YOU!

you

are

so...

AAAARGH!!

it is the little things that matter

the little things that you are so oblivious of

it's the intonation in your voice

it's the being very preachey and yet not being comfortable with neighborly

I hate to think I know who you are

because i don't

but I know I don't like what I know

it does not add up, and where it does, it sucks!

We've had some good times

made some real worthy memories

and I thank you for being a part

but this is the end of the road for me.

the end of wondering what is real in the 'Hmm'

the end of being recipient of all those looks i don't get.

I am turning back and erasing all the bad parts of this journey

and when I embark back on it, I will walk where I want

with whom I damn well please!

there is this boy...

Dear Mamma,

I have been okay, for the most part. But mamma, there is this boy! I know I am in school, and i should concentrate on my books for now and will have plenty of time to find and play around. But life has handed out so much bullshit to me this semester and I have either formed stronger friendships or seen just how amazing my friends are.

He gets me, Mamma! He does. He knows all my secrets, has the detailed version that my girlfriends or sisters never get to hear. There is nothing I have to hide from him. I was once very crazy about him; very, but we are such good friends, Mamma so don't judge me when I say I have a good guy friend. You see, I have seen the disapproving look you shoot me and biggie when we are all being cozy. But that is just how I am. Do not think that you failed in any way; I do have some girlfriends, but somehow, for my sanity, I need the guys. Less stress. Things may not have been the same in your day, and I know sometimes, you wish I wasn't so flighty (I know I seem flighty with my many guy friends). I will get you your babies, someday and a good man before that but right now, I am going to live this life with your God watching over us all. And my friends will always be here- and I will be just as affectionate.

I hate to leave; more than I want to come back to you. But I know we're going to be okay. Because while I have plenty to hide from you, you are just as awesome as my friends- probably even more! Life always works out, you have always said. So I am waiting to see mine unfold.

'it's more than that'

I finally worked up some gumption to talk to my big sister; and instead of waiting for the call to end, I picked it. I have 5 big sisters. If I called about to say I had a fight with a guy, Jane will tell me all guys are asses and I am better off without him, Barbs will ask me for his whereabouts and ask me which parts of him I wanted ripped out, Juls will listen to my sobbing and then take me out for drinks, Siima will just listen and not have much of an opinion about it, but Tina will ask for the whole story and if I was the asshole, she will tell me so! This is why usually when life hands out its usual trials (read men), I call Barbs for support, Juls for a drinking buddy, and Tina for some sense!

So naturally when I was deciding on whether to take a break from school or not, I understandably did not call Tina. Because I knew what she would say. Oh, and she did say it just now: 'I think you are being a baby; a lastborn.' 'suck it up, girl!' 'So when things get tough, you just run.' 'Do you know what's going to happen when you go home? You are going to get tired by the end of the first month. and the novelty of having you home is going to wear off so people are also going to get tired of you too.' 'What is it you're looking for anyway?' This and so much more.

The funny thing about all this is I know my sister will always support me; and I know she loves me to death and wants the best for me and all. I appreciate her even more for always ALWAYS telling me exactly what she thinks, even when it is harsh. That is why I also told her that I was going to hang up the call because what I needed now was not the usual blursting but reassurance. And she said, 'Becky, tell me what's wrong.' She sounded so distressed, I went from irritated to weepy. I told her the story I have been telling everyone, that I just need a break to catch my breath and she told me, 'I know you. It is more than that.'

I feel very VERY bad about how this decision affects my family and friends, and doing this has got to be the most selfish thing I have done in my life because I am entirely doing it for me. It is killing me, almost as much as staying here is.

And yes, Tina, you hit it right on like always. It's more than that. It is a can of stuff that I can't add to anymore; i got to spill some out first.

horoscopy

I have written so many blogs lately- on my decisions, friendships, my fears, my nightmares, my hopes for the future, etc. I have been writing everywhere I was- in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the ice-cream store (where I wrote of sugar highs), in my bed, on the bus, in the dining, EVERYWHERE!... in my head. I have not since got round to typing out any of all this.

Something is very wrong with me. Ever since I made the decision to take a break from school. You see, the thing is I fear that I look at this as quitting/running away/failing but that is not what it is. I do need a breather. And I also need to run away from these grades. Though, recently, I calculated my GPA and it wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe. But why should I be okay with average when I know I can get into a better mental state to be score better? This is not what I was like. I was top of my class (before Namagunga) and have once made the papers. Even when I was with the cream of the country and sleeping probably more than my 8 hours, I had distinctions only for my O'Level and above 20 points (don't think I remember correctly but something good anyway). And I did get into Amherst College, didn't I? So why do I have to continually reassure myself that I am above average smart? I am, aren't I?

I better look for that ice-cream again and find some more healing. It has been a tough few days. I feel like I have lost my friends even before I have left but the thing is I have too much free time and they have exams and papers, and lives. And I have learnt to hate repeating myself in explanation, and looking for words to not lie when well-meaning close friends ask me for updates on how I am doing. I postponed my flight because it felt like I was being unfair to the friends- like these friendships did not mean anything to me, like it was not hard to leave them behind, worried that they have come to an end, that the connections have now been severed.

So I am trying not to sleep tonight- because frankly, I am scared of what more I could possibly dream of so to occupy some of my time, I looked up some zodiac things. Because I have always found them so entertaining, and I confess to sometimes get comfort and confidence since they are always so positive, you know.

Anyway, read this:

My personality traits:

-adventurous: I am not entirely sure it should be a trait, but yeah, sometimes. Maybe.

-great sense of humor: I think somewhere down the list, they are going to say modest.

-altruistic: ...and poor :) but I guess if I have, WE have. I just wish I had more. (does that mean ambitious or greedy is coming up?)

-loves to enjoy life: I do what I can, otherwise there is no point to living, is there?

-faithful friend: My friends make it easy, for they are very faithful too.

-caring and loving: I was going to say that was a safe bet because every person has got to be then I got a chill from my American life.

-confident personality: haven't seen much of that lately! Not even sure it ever was here.

-quite sensitive: right

-warm and considerate towards people: they are people!

Symbol- The Goat

Element- Earth

Planet- Saturn

(I would be a liar if I said I even remotely knew what the above three were about)

Love life:

You are a fantastic kisser, an erotic lover and a very sexy person.

(umm... thanks, I guess)

More compatible with- Cancer, Virgo, Taurus, Scorpio

Less Compatible with- Gemini, Aries, Leo

(imagine asking for zodiac sign right after 'so nice to meet you'. Or maybe on the first date, huh!?)

Qualities of Capricorn:

Ambitious, humorous, tolerant, constructive, confident, goal-oriented, warm-hearted, tireless, practical, helpful, prudent, industrious and patient.

(lies! this is why people say horoscopes people pick specific characteristics and are sometimes just lucky to get it right. This all seems kinda right- but fails to hit the nail right on, you know)

Lucky color: brown or green

i honestly pay little attention to color, unless it's just yelling- or is in a good combination with some others.

Lucky Stone: garnet

biki ebyo!?

Lucky Day: saturday

isn't everybody's? ..who does not have to work on Saturday

Lucky number: eight

funny, i always thought so; for no reason at all. maybe because at some point, in the early adolescent years, I wanted to be as curvaceous as it.

Lucky metal: lead

the hell!? i would have thought maybe copper (dnt ask!)

Capricorn- Saturn

Since your zodiac sign is Capricorn, you are born under the influence of Saturn. You are a practical and disciplined person. You are known for your responsibility and reliability. You are a hardworking person and strive to achieve your dreams and goals. You have great mental strength and can bear hardships without complaining. Your strong willpower will give you success in life.

Birth Flower- Carnation

Carnation is the birth flower for people who are born in January. The Carnation symbolizes deep love, a friend in need, distinction, beauty, and fascination. If your birth flower is Carnation: You are a sensitive person. You are very protective towards your family and friends. You are very ambitious and aim to achieve big things in life. You are a very helpful friend.

Your Birth Number - 1

The Innovator

The number one is associated with new beginnings. You are an original person. You constantly get ideas about doing something new. You are full of positive energy and very ambitious in life. You love to take initiatives and are most likely to assume leadership position. You prefer to be self-reliant and don't take help of others.